12 months. 52 weeks. 365 days. 8,760 minutes. What a difference a year makes. It was one year ago today that we said “See you later” to the baby we would never hold. One year ago that I entered the hospital and operating room pregnant and left empty. Empty arms and an empty womb.
I struggled for months with how I should feel and how to grieve a child I never knew or even held. Sometimes the pain was unbearable and I couldn’t contain the tears. Tears would come while watching a movie or even a commercial. Tears would stream down my face uncontrollably as I read about friends who had new babies. And while I long to hold our daughter, Isabelle Faith, in my arms, I couldn’t be happier for my friends welcoming a new life in to their family.
I’d like to say everything is fine and I’m “back to normal.” But the truth is…I’m not. Most days I do well and life continues, but I still have moments and days when I struggle. I struggle not to want another child. I struggle with not being pregnant. And I struggle when my kids ask when we’re going to have another baby.
Just last week, Miss Priss (5), wanted to name her stuffed dog Isabelle. She remembers the precious life we never knew. She has an amazing connection with the sister she never knew, just as she does with the twin we lost when I was pregnant with her. She speaks of them often and longs for the day she will see them in heaven.
And I cry…again. But this time, tears of JOY – knowing that my HOPE is in HIM who holds the future.
Him who formed that tiny precious baby in my womb.
Him who took that life earlier than we planned.
Him who lights my path and guides my steps.
So this Christmas I will continue to focus on the HOPE and PEACE that comes from my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. As I remember the lives I have been entrusted with to nurture and raise in Him and the lives that I will have to wait to meet.